Judgment
by K. East
Summary: Apathy. That's all James seems to feel toward Lily, and she's beginning to think it's all he ever will. But she needs more than that... Lily/James, some Lily/Sirius.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

"God _damnit_, James, are you ever going to think?"

"Lily."

"Don't just stand there and 'Lily' me, you dolt!" Her breath came out in angry, ragged pants now. "I'm so _sick_ of being judged by you. When are you ever going to own up to the stupid things you've done and accept the consequences!?"

His face was emotionless and his tone was flatly amused. "You first, darling."

* * *

**Author's Note: **Hello and welcome to a silly little venture on my part. The past few months have been very hard on me as an author, and I know I've really neglected _And Nothing But The Truth_, so I'm starting this short piece to sort of play out my writer's block. It should be a couple chapters long (clearly of chapters more impressive in length than this). Hope you like it.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1:**

Lily Evans did not want James Potter.

It was a fact that she had tried, from the very start, to make clear. But there was something particularly difficult about purporting a truth that no one wanted to hear.

"Come on, Evans, it's just one day," the boy at her side wheedled, trailing after her. She huffed and hoisted her satchel higher upon her shoulder, lengthening her stride in a vain attempt to escape. "Please, just humor him."

"Leave me alone, Black," she replied shortly, turning a quick corner and very narrowly avoiding running over a second-year. "I really don't have the mood to tolerate your whining today."

"Evans-" He made the mistake of grabbing her elbow, causing her to spin around very suddenly. They crashed into each other, and he quickly backed off to a respectable distance.

Lily sniffed amusedly. Well, at least he wasn't _all_ stupid. "You ask me every day," she pointed out. "Why should I agree today?"

Black shrugged, and a little grin lit up his admittedly handsome face. "It's always worth a shot," he answered. His eyes flickered downwards. "Erm, and your bag is about to overflow."

She looked down to, unfortunately tilting her shoulder to do so, and a mess of papers spilled out of the aforementioned bag. "Damn!" she exclaimed, dumping the satchel on the ground beside her. "I didn't know it was open!"

"Don't worry, I've got it," he said, going after an ink bottle that was rolling away. Students parted around the scene, giving them odd looks.

"Need help, Evans?" someone offered. The girl shook her head, gathering up her papers. Black perched the bottle on top of the things in her arms.

"You're so popular," he teased.

She scowled. "And so are you. Now get out of my sight."

His gaze softened. "Alright, alright," he conceded. "But Evans…"

"Think about it. Yes, I know."

Black made a motion as if to tip an imaginary hat and took off, much to Lily's relief. It wasn't that she didn't like the boy – he was pretty amusing, actually, and though his efforts to talk to her each day consisted of teasing her or begging her to go out with his best friend… she actually rather enjoyed the interaction.

And there was the social aspect of it, of course. Hogwarts loved nothing like gossip and social status, Lily was afraid to say. Being friends with Black substantiated her "cool factor".

"Miss Evans, you are late to class again!"

"I'm sorry, Professor," she apologized quickly, feeling her face flushing a bit. The Potions room was already thick with fog- the class had already gotten to work. "I spilled my things in the corridor- it won't happen again."

"As you have been telling me every day of the term, my dear," was the response, but Slughorn- a jolly old toad of a man- was smiling rather amusedly. Lily grinned back gratefully, although a little unnerved.

She made her way to her usual seat, trying to ignore the curious stare of her partner, Milfred Wiggins. The Hufflepuff girl was very, very nice- but, unfortunately for Lily, not entirely intelligent or discreet. The rest of the class had become accustomed to her tardiness, but not Milfred. It was a wonder she had made it to Advanced Potions at all.

"I already got your cauldron out for you," the girl said dourly, "but I wasn't sure if you would show up."

"I've never missed a day of school, you know," Lily said with measured patience. "What are we doing today?"

"Finishing the draught from yesterday, I think, and someone in the earlier class told me there's a surprise essay."

Lily snorted. "Then it's hardly a surprise."

As it turned out, she did not need her cauldron anyway. She'd already finished the draught the day before, and this period was only meant as a second chance for those who hadn't managed it, i.e., the rest of the class. So she sat and watched Milfred's inept brewing instead, curling her fingers into her dark red hair and trying not to say anything when the girl added the wrong ingredients.

"Billywig stings, not belladonna," she commented once, raising one eyebrow; but her partner's perplexed expression just made her sigh and give up. "Never mind…"

She sat and doodled idly on a piece of paper, bored to tears. The fumes from the cauldrons surrounding were almost nauseating.

"Oi."

The voice was so quiet that she at first ignored it, thinking it must not be addressed to her.

"Oi. Evans."

Lily turned around in her seat, coming face to face with one James Potter. Black was sitting beside him, looking distinctly uncomfortable. "Yes?" she asked as politely as she could muster.

"Where were you earlier?" Potter asked, his mouth tilted up in a grin. He pushed his glasses up in his nose a little but they still lay askew, at which she snorted.

"Nowhere," she replied. "I got a bit caught up in the corridor."

This was completely true, which is why it bothered her when he said, rather accusingly, "Sirius came in just before you did."

Black's head turned quickly- clearly he had not been expecting this. "What?" he demanded.

"What?" she echoed, a mix of appallment and curiosity bubbling up in her chest. Ha- what did he think they had possibly been _doing_, she and _Black_, for crying out loud. "Are you serious, Potter?"

He shrugged, and his hazel eyes flitted briefly to his friend, who was looking at him with a rather shocked expression. "I'm just making an observation."

"He helped me pick up my things when my bag spilled," Lily told him flatly. "Erm- duh."

"Hey, James?" Black asked with dangerous sweetness. "Next time, want to run these things by _me_ before you freak out on Evans? You almost gave me a heart attack."

Potter hesitated, and he leaned back in his chair, rumpling his dark hair. "Sorry, mate," he said easily, his gaze focused on the girl before him. "I was really just making an observation."

--

It was a bit unfair, she thought, to say that she was _entirely_ innocent.

She didn't know why this thought popped into her head the way it did, not why it stayed there for so long afterwards. There was no context, no preface to the idea. No one had ever accused her of such a quality- in fact, people probably accused her of the opposite, though it didn't seem to affect her popularity much.

But it was just one of those things she couldn't shake, and it remained drudging through her mind even as she pulled away from Black.

"Want to go upstairs?" she said casually, though her heart was beating rapidly. He looked at her languidly- an expression she had seen on his face many times, a mix of lust and guilt- and nodded.

He kissed her all the way up, and once they were inside her room, he had her against a wall, the lines of his body pressed into hers. She panted into his mouth, into the kiss, all the time feeling so, so wrong…

"Sirius…"

He responded with a moan. "Oh, God," he said, his body shuddering. Their hips swirled.

"_Sirius_," she repeated rather desperately, and he didn't really need more convincing.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Hmm...

Please review and tell me what you think thus far. I always appreciate feedback.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:**

There is nothing like a good scream in the morning to start your day.

"_Aaaaahh! You're- you're-"_

"Awake now, yes, thank you," Lily said dryly, facing her friend. She was, thankfully, wearing pyjamas, it wasn't as if she had a bloke with her, and sleeping in late on a Saturday morning was hardly unusual. So she couldn't even guess as to why Alice was screaming.

"You- you have a hickey," the girl pointed out shakily, though her body could've been trembling from either laughter or horror. "It's- right there, look in the mirror- "

Lily sat up and obliged. "That," she informed her friend, "is not a hickey. That is a smudge of mascara. See?" She wiped the spot off to prove it. "I've been wearing brown lately. It suits me better."

The other girl looked doubtful. "Why would your mascara smudge down to your neck, anyway? And why didn't you wash it off last night…?"

"Alright, enough of your silly questions," the redhead said dismissively. "Why are you even here? When I gave you my password it was meant for _daytime_ visits."

"It _is_ daytime, Lily. And it's also a Hogsmeade weekend, as you seem to have forgotten. Don't you want to indulge in our tradition?"

She sighed and rolled out of bed, feeling utterly exhausted. "Yes, I suppose so," she said. "But can we make it quick? I have classes to study for…"

Alice rolled her eyes. "You're such a liar."

Lily just smiled.

Two hours later, the girls were dressed, groomed, and down in the Entrance Hall, hopping on the balls of their feet- both because of the draft coming from the enormous double doors, and excitement about the day.

"We need to hit the Broomsticks first. I'm starving," Alice declaring, sticking her hands in her pockets. Lily nodded.

"Skip breakfast _again_, Alice?"

The little brunette turned around quickly, a smile blossoming across her face. "Hello, Frank!" she said cheerfully, giving her boyfriend a peck on the cheek. He grinned sheepishly. "And yes, I absolutely did. It's tradition."

"Not eating is not the tradition," Lily objected, but she was beaming anyway. Alice and Frank were such a cute couple- they always managed to cheer her up with their antics.

Of course, she'd had quite a hand in their getting-together the year before, so perhaps she was a bit biased.

"I'll never understand girls," Frank declared dramatically, sweeping a hand to his forehead. Alice giggled. "Anyway, I've got to catch up with Reggie and Will- see you later?"

"Perhaps," the girls answered in sly unison.

"And what about me?"

Lily's eyebrows shot up. "Potter," she said calmly, though her heart rate had just spiked. The young man had sidled up beside Alice and was now grinning at her unabashedly. "Where are your cronies?"

"Oh, around," he said dismissively, though his smile slipped a little. "What are you girls up to?"

"Nothing you'd be interested in," she responded, just as Alice said:

"We're going for a girl's day out."

He laughed a little. "That's cute. Braiding each other's hair, painting your toenails? Can't you stay in and do that?"

Even Lily smiled now. "You clearly don't know how girls act in packs," she said- a well-timed claim as six or seven of their girlfriends came trotting up, laughing and dancing across the stone floor. "We're going guy-watching, Potter. It's a pastime."

Potter's face took on a sly expression. "Why, but Evans," he said lowly, his voice taking on a husky quality, "aren't I all you need?"

She looked at him and laughed.

He added, "You know you can look at me anytime you want…"

"Nice try, Potter. But no."

--

"Hi, Lily."

Lupin's voice was a timid one as he took a seat across from her in the library. She looked up, a bit surprised, but not unpleasantly so. She moved to shut her book, but he shook his head, indicating that he wouldn't be long.

"How are you?" Lily asked, taking in his wan face. "You look a little ill."

"I'm on and off," he said ruefully. "Erm, just a bit of a cold, you know, it comes and goes."

She frowned sympathetically. "I'm sorry. Maybe you should run down to the hospital and ask for some Pepperup Potion. It always makes me feel better."

He shrugged, a thin smile crossing his face. "I was wondering," he said slowly, "if I could ask you about something."

"Sure." She smiled back.

"Are you and Sirius seeing each other?"

She jolted. "Erm, what?"

Lupin faltered, looking down hesitantly. "Sorry- I don't really know why I would ask that- none of my business- "

Lily shook her head quickly, reaching forward to pat him on the hand- an unusual move for her, but it seemed right in the situation. "It's okay. Erm… why would you think that?"

Her chest moved up and down a little too quickly.

He blushed. "Oh, he's just one of the only guys I see you talking to. You seem to get on pretty well- "

"Well, we're not," she said firmly. "I am not seeing anyone at the moment."

"Oh, good…" The boy trailed off uncertainly and actually reached up to rumple his own hair, presumably a habit he'd picked up from James- they were close friends. In fact, James seemed to have that effect on everyone he spent time with- people all over the school were beginning to subconsciously mirror his actions, but none more so than Lupin, Black, and a boy named Peter Pettigrew. "I wanted to ask…"

Lily cleared her throat awkwardly when Lupin did not say anything more.

"Sorry," he apologized again, looking up to meet her eyes. "I just- ahem- I wanted to… I wanted to ask if you were… erm, perhaps interested in seeing me."

There was a brief silence in which Lily took in this statement with a bit of shock. Lupin was asking her out? _Lupin_? He was sweet, but… she had never known…

"I completely understand if you aren't," he added quickly, flushing. "I mean, I just thought- since we talk all the time, and, erm, you know, seeing as we cleared up that Sirius thing. But yeah, you don't have to feel obligated or anything -"

She was slow to answer, and she knew he had already accepted defeat. "I'm sorry, Lu- Remus," she said. "I just don't think that's a good idea right now."

He nodded, looking very downcast. "Right."

"I really do like you as a person, though. I'm very honored you asked me."

"Right," he repeated, though the word was a bit rushed this time. He stood up abruptly. "I- erm- have to go. But thank you for listening to me, and- erm- if you could, please-"

Lily tilted her head. "Please…?" she prompted.

"Please, erm, don't mention this to James," he finished brokenly. "I imagine he would be upset."

And with that, Remus Lupin exited the room, his head down and his stride all-too-brisk.

--

"And then he just got up and ran out," Lily finished sadly, to Alice's horrified expression. They were sitting cross-legged on the sofa in the common room, talking in hushed tones. The place was so crowded that nobody even noticed the girls' gossiping.

"That's so depressing," the brunette lamented. "Poor thing. He was probably humiliated."

"You're not making me feel any better, Alice," Lily said pointedly.

"So sorry, dear. Listen, I'd love to mope with you about it, but I've got to meet Frank in half an hour. Will you be okay?"

She half-smiled and shrugged. "I'll live."

Alice took this as permission to depart and gave her friend a little pat on the shoulder before hopping onto her feet and taking off up the stairs. Immediately Lily felt out of place- she hadn't been to the Gryffindor common room in so long, as she preferred to stay in the Head Girl dormitory. It was small, but private.

And privacy was important, seeing as how…

"Fancy seeing you here, Evans." A voice cut into her thoughts, not unlike it had days earlier when waiting to go to Hogsmeade. The crimson sofa cushions sank as Potter settled into Alice's vacated spot, his eyes dragging over Lily's figure.

"I do go to this school, you know," she said dryly. "And you have your own room, too, remember? What do you want?"

The corner of his mouth tugged upwards. "Not in a good mood, are we?"

"I don't have the patience for you right now," she told him brusquely, standing. He followed suit, a fact that just irritated her.

"Now, now," he said. "Penny for your thoughts?"

There was a decrescendo of noise in the room- Lily looked around and noted, rather exasperatedly, that a few people were watching this interesting new development. "Leave me alone, Potter," she said lowly. "Seriously."

She headed for the portrait hole before he could react, and she was almost all the way out before he caught her wrist- much like Black had tried to catch her elbow the other day- and she whipped around, shaking him off like a fly. But unlike his best mate, he did not do her the courtesy of stepping back.

"You…" He breathed, his gaze suddenly intent on her- it was an expression she hadn't encountered before on him and she turned her face away, feeling a blush creep up her skin.

"What are you doing?" she ground out.

"Sorry," he said. "I just wanted to ask you something."

These words reminded Lily sharply of Remus, and she let out a _woosh_ of breath. Regrettable. Inhaling again brought her the piquant scent of citrus, indubitably from Potter. Shivers ran up her spine.

She wasn't supposed to be thinking how good he smelled.

"I have to go now," she said, stepping away, and took a few deep breaths of untainted air to flush the aroma from her system, before-

"Why are you late to class every day?"

She stopped in her tracks, but did not turn around. "Excuse me?" she said slowly.

Potter's voice came floating back to her, soft. "Why are you late to class every day?"

She hesitated.

Her footsteps echoed in the stone hall as she walked swiftly away.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

Lily was trembling as she grasped the porcelain sink in the girls' bathroom. Her palms were beginning to sweat as she stared at her reflection. How could he- how could he just _ask_-

But of course he didn't know. It was impossible. There was just no reason for it, no way to explain why James Potter, of all people, would wonder why she was late to class all the time.

Nobody else ever asked. Why him? Why now?

She took a deep, shuddering breath, willing herself to calm down. In a few seconds, the girl in the mirror became the familiar Lily again- cool and composed and utterly, utterly perfect.

This she could deal with.

--

"Evans!"

The redhead didn't bother to look up from her Charms essay. "Yes?" she asked politely, her quill scratching rapidly against the parchment. She paused and brushed the hair out of her eyes, then glanced at whoever had just addressed her, curious.

It was Potter. He had that typical grin on his face, the one he always wore when he greeted her- an annoyance, for some reason, to Lily.

He seated himself across from her, leaning his elbows on her desk. The small office was meant for their duties as Head students, but Lily liked to study there too- and usually, Potter tended not to use it at all. "Can I borrow that essay when you're done?"

She scoffed incredulously. "I don't think so."

"Come on. I really need to get an E on this assignment."

She rolled up the scroll swiftly, pushing it back into her bag, and scowled. "First of all, Potter, this is more than E grade work," she said. "And second of all, I don't help people cheat."

"You help Wiggins all the time in Potions."

"Because she's my partner," Lily pointed out.

Potter folded his arms over his chest, apparently not really listening. His gaze bore into her, examining her, and it made Lily distinctly uncomfortable.

"You're staring at me," she said, her voice suddenly softer. She was quite aware of the silence in the room, hating suddenly the solitude of being Head Girl. But the words still came out stiffly, and she crossed her own arms too, in defense.

A smile quirked at the corner of his mouth. "Did you know," he answered, "that when people mirror each other's actions, it means they have a subconscious connection?"

She glanced down at herself, indignantly uncrossing her arms. "Are you really that desperate to justify your crush, Potter?"

An expression crossed his face that she couldn't quite place, and then just as quickly it was gone, smoothed out. "As if, Evans," he said. "I may tease you now and then, but you're the last bird I'd fancy."

Lily's face flushed unexpectedly. "What?" she said, offended. A strange feeling whined in her chest, and she forced it down, swallowing.

"You heard me." Potter pushed back his chair and stood up before leaning in toward her and saying quietly, "You may have everyone else fooled, but I know you. You're cynical and analytical and you don't give a damn about me or anyone else. Why _should_ I fancy you?"

Her jaw fell open. "_Excuse_ me?" she blurted out, a little too loud, and Potter turned and strode out. The door slammed behind him.

--

"Running late again, Evans?" Black shot her a grin, so like his best friend's that she had to will herself just not to punch him in the face.

It had been a full day since she last saw Potter- he was very good at avoiding her, considering they shared an office, but perhaps that was partially her doing, as she'd avoided the room ever since.

"I'm not going to date Potter, so you might as well save your breath," she grumbled, increasing her stride. And, as usual, Black kept up with her.

They pushed the corridor, students parting respectfully for them. "I'm not going to ask you today," Black said, brushing his hair from his eyes.

She glanced over at him. "What?"

He shrugged, still grinning. "I've given up on you. You'll realize eventually and date him."

They reached the door of the Potions classroom, and she turned to him. Her heart was beating a little too quickly as she remembered Potter's words: _You're cynical and analytical and you don't give a damn about me or anyone else…_

"Is that really what you want?" she said quietly, lifting her eyes to his.

Black stared at her for a second, and realization seemed to wash over him. "Evans," he said. "Don't."

"Yeah. Sorry." She shook her head. "Crossing the line."

He shrugged and looked away. "Looks like you're on time today," he said, nodding toward the door.

--

Milfred Wiggins was sick.

"Quite alright, Miss Evans," rumbled Slughorn. "Just join another table and look off theirs- I'll give you full marks for the day; I know you're more than capable of producing a Sanguine Solution, of course -"

Lily hesitated, glancing around the room for a pair to join-

"You can join our table, Evans," Potter said smoothly over the chatter of students. She nearly cursed- how had he heard that from across the room?

She picked up her satchel and books and pulled a chair up beside Black's, trying not to visibly cringe. Both of them were watching her, and chills ran up her spine- but she could not know which was the cause.

"Here," Black finally said, his voice as light as air. He handed her a silver knife and a bowl of Flobberworms. And he smirked. "Have fun."

Lily stuck out her tongue at him. "Gee, thanks. I was so looking forward to getting blisters all over my hands today."

"I'll do it."

She looked over. Potter was still looking at her intently. He offered his hand.

"It's not a big deal," he said. "You can stir."

"Erm… okay," she responded, handing the Flobberworms over. "Thanks."

They worked for nearly an hour, only speaking occasionally to offer each other directions. Potter was a good brewer, Lily realized, but it was clear he was uncomfortable with the process. For some reason, it pleased her that she could surpass him at something.

At the end of the class, Black filled a vial with potion and took it up to Slughorn, leaving the other two alone. Lily packed her things in silence, trying to ignore the feeling of being stared at.

Finally she rolled her eyes and straightened up. "Potter," she said, "Why are you looking at me?"

He seemed to contemplate this, picking up his own book bag. "Dunno," he replied finally, hiking it onto his shoulder. "I was just wondering why you're not mad at me."

"Mad at me?" Her eyebrows rose. "You're the one who yelled at me yesterday."

"Right," Potter answered. He raked a hand through his hair, sighing. "And if I were you, I'd be ticked off. Just saying."

She shrugged silently. "That's not how I play it."

"Then how do you play it?" He moved closer to her, and she immediately took a step back, her breath quickening. "I see how you react to me, Lily. I know you must feel something- even if it's just loathing. How can you act so apathetic?"

"Apathetic?" Lily repeated, aware of Black, who was approaching from across the room. She lowered her voice. "What am I supposed to do? I don't have _feelings_ for you, Potter, for the last time- "

"Even if it's _just loathing_," he repeated, but _his_ volume rose. The other students, packing up, quieted a little to look over. Black was stopped in his tracks a few meters away. "Tell me you're not that detached -"

"I'm _not_," Lily snapped. "I'm not 'detached', I just -"

"Just _what_?"

"I just don't live_ in the past_!"

Her voice reverberated throughout the classroom, and suddenly it was silent. Then she felt Black's hand on her forearm.

"Both of you need to calm down," he said flatly. "You're making a scene."

Potter turned his face away. "I've got to go," he said. "See you later, Sirius."

* * *

**Author's Note:** I have to admit, I haven't planned this out at all. So any little plot twists take me as much by surprise as they do you (which probably won't matter anyway, as this is going to be fairly short). That being said, I'd love critique and/or suggestions for what to do. :D


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**:

"What is _wrong_ with you?"

Lily dug her fingernails into her palms, growling a little. Potter had been trying to speak to her at every opportunity, and she had been resolutely ignoring him. But it was becoming difficult.

"Talk to me, Evans- Sirius isn't here."

She stopped, halfway up a staircase. "Stop talking to me," she said angrily, not looking at him.

But Potter came around smoothly and stepped in front of her. "Why?" His eyes, his stupid hazel eyes, were dark with something she didn't recognize. She let out a shuddering breath.

"Because, Potter," she responded icily, "I don't want you here. I didn't ask you to follow me around all day being _an asshole_." Her gaze met his defiantly.

Her words didn't seem to faze him. "Good," he said. "Now you're talking."

"You're brilliant," Lily snapped, pushing past him and to the landing. Her voice echoed down the corridor- everyone else was at dinner, and she'd been trying to make an escape to her dormitory, but here he was, _again_-

"Lily."

She turned, opening her mouth to respond- but he quickly backed her against a wall, his hands on either side of her waist. He was too close for comfort- that citrus-y smell was entrancing her again-

"Lily," he repeated. "Please. Don't shut me out again -"

"Again?" she scoffed, her heart hammering at her rib cage. "I never let you back in."

"And look where that's gotten you!"

Lily pushed him away. The abject surprise written all over Potter's face sent pleasure blossoming in her heart- angry, guilty pleasure. She wanted to hurt him. And she said sharply, "It's gotten me right where I wanted to be. Without _you_."

But it was too much. And this time the pain on his face was not fleeting. It lingered. And he stepped back, as if she'd slapped him, almost staggering from the blow of her words.

"When I said you could even loathe me," he said finally, quietly, "I didn't mean it."

"Go away," she said, a lump rising in her throat.

"I'll do that," Potter said. For the second time that day he walked away from her, leaving a horrible taste in her mouth.

--

"He says he doesn't want to go."

Lupin's voice, though hushed, could be easily discerned in the murmuring quiet of the library. Lily, who was shelving a few borrowed books, paused and her face went pink. She didn't move. After she'd rejected him there had been an understandable awkwardness, and she found she didn't really want to see him just then.

But another voice picked up in the silence. "We've been planning this for weeks. Are you serious?" Black asked, his voice tinted with concern.

Lupin cleared his throat- the noise was so close that Lily knew they must be just on the other side of the bookshelf she was hiding behind. "He's been acting strange lately. I'm getting worried."

"Is it…?"

"I think so." Lupin's voice held an edge of bitterness.

"Well, big surprise," Black responded dryly. There was the sound of rustling papers as they presumably packed up their things. "It's hardly anything new. James has been moping about that for how long now?"

"He's been madly in love with her since fifth year, Sirius, what you expect?"

Lily's heart missed a beat. She suddenly found it very hard to catch her breath.

"Whatever," Lupin finally added, after a short silence. "I'm going to lunch. You?"

"I'll come by later. I have to do something."

"Sure." There was more rustling, and then footsteps receded away, toward the library's exit. Lily released her breath-

"Eavesdropping?" Black said, coming around the corner. His head was tilted, his expression almost coy. "Why am I not surprised?"

She sucked in her breath immediately, then let it out, shaking her head. "As if," she said. "I didn't even know you were there."

"Right."

"I'm just returning some books," Lily added, lifting the book in her hand to show him. She slid it onto the shelf. "See? All done. I'm leaving now."

Black's gaze slipped over her. "Heading to lunch?"

She shook her head. "To my dorm, actually."

He stuck his hands in his pockets and raised his eyebrows, leaning against the bookshelf. "I'll walk with you."

She hesitated, but strode past him and toward the door without demur. He kept by her side, not looking at her.

They were almost all the way to her room when he said, "Remus was right, you know."

Lily glanced over- Black still had his hands in his pockets, and he was looking at her with guilt. "Right about what?" she asked politely, trying to dismiss this.

He laughed a little, shaking his head. "James loves you."

They came to her door, and it was Black who said the password (_"Equus_"). Lily turned to him.

"No, he doesn't," she said firmly.

The young man didn't respond. He was clearly unconvinced.

"This," he said lowly, gesturing between them, "this is nothing, right?"

She didn't hesitate. "Right."

"Then don't let it affect your decision," Black replied, his expression dark- not with anger, but with something else: desire, or maybe self-loathing. To anybody looking in his eyes, they appeared to be the same. And then he added, "He's my best mate, Evans."

Lily gazed back at him steadily. "I know that," she said. Neither of them moved. "But I owe him nothing."

He took a deep breath.

"Want to come in?" she asked.

--

When Lily woke, the orange sunset was just crawling in through her blinds. She felt disoriented for a moment- as she always did after sleeping through an afternoon- and her stomach growled with hunger.

The space beside her was empty and cold, without an imprint of where Black had been. He had always possessed the common sense to leave before anyone noticed he was gone. It was a good routine. A safe one.

The girl took a deep breath. And when she sat up, her reflection stared back at her from the mirror.

_You're cynical and analytical and you don't give a damn about me or anyone else._

A knot formed in her throat.

Was it true?

_James loves you_.

No, he didn't. It was clear that he didn't.

Then why did she feel so terrible?

--

"I don't suppose you want to tell me why you're acting strange," Alice said one morning at breakfast. Lily, who had been rearranging her food on her plate, didn't look up.

"I'm not acting strange," she said a little defensively.

"I'm sure you're not." The brunette removed the fork from Lily's hand and set it down, commanding her attention. "Look at you. You look like you haven't gotten any sleep at all, and you're so irritable- yes, you are," she added, seeing her friend's expression. "Does this have something to do with James?"

Lily exhaled. "Yes," she finally said, her voice gaining confidence. "Yes, it has something to with Potter."

"Is he bothering you again?"

She scoffed. "He hasn't _stopped_ bothering me, Alice. Where have you been all this time?"

Alice smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry, Lily. I understand where he's coming from, though- he likes you so much- "

"No, he _doesn't_," Lily said with irritation, pushing her plate away. Her breakfast, untouched, was unappetizing, and the chattering of girls around her was shrill in her ears. "God, why is everyone saying that?"

"Sorry, sorry." Alice moved the plate back. "Just eat your food and don't worry about it."

--

The flow of water came to a leaky stop as Lily turned the faucet off. She glanced at herself in the mirror, smoothing down her hair, and checked her watch: "Damn." Classes started in a few minutes, and the Potions room was two floors down.

She stepped out of the bathroom and nearly ran into someone. "Excuse me-" she said, and then stopped. It was Potter, his book bag swinging from his shoulder.

"Hello," he said, rumpling his hair.

"Goodbye," she responded, feeling her face flush, and she maneuvered around him to walk away.

"I think you're beautiful."

She stopped and turned around. "What?"

He wasn't smiling. His eyes were focused on her, only her, and they seemed to see through her in a way that made her positively uncomfortable. "I think you're beautiful," he repeated. "So you know."

She was incredulous. "Are you making fun of me?"

"No," he said. "Why would I do that?"

Lily scoffed and turned back around, striding away. But his footsteps followed fast after her, and his voice came floating to her ears, a little more bitter: "Does Sirius?"

She spun around, and he was right there, too close, the proximity startling. There was a set in his jaw that had not been there, a determined anger, and she said, very slowly, "_What_?"

"Does Sirius think you're beautiful?" Potter said. His fingers brushed her wrist and she snapped away. "Does he love you?"

Her heart was beating like a drum on her ribcage, her skin stretched too tight- she felt hyperaware, her breath quickening. "I don't know what you're talking about," she said very quietly. Her voice shook.

"As if," he said. "You're _seeing_ him, aren't you?"

He said the word "seeing" like it had a bitter taste, and she knew exactly what he was referring to.

"He makes me feel wanted," she answered in a near-whisper.

"Don't I, Lily?" He took her hands now suddenly, squeezing them tightly, and she was too surprised to draw them away. "Don't I make you feel wanted?"

She didn't respond.

"Every day," he added, "I see you come to class late. Does Sirius even realize what you're doing? Does he know you that well?"

Now Lily pulled her hands away, her eyes burning, willing herself not to cry. Not now. Not in front of him. "It doesn't matter," she said. "None of it matters. He and I- it's nothing."

"I love you," he said desperately. "Lily."

"Don't 'Lily' me," she said, squeezing her eyes shut. "Just leave me alone. Please, James."

He took a few, tentative steps back. "I- "

"_Please."_

_

* * *

_

**Author's Note:** I think this goes without saying...


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5:**

"_What are you doing?"_

The knocking at the door continued: _rat-a-tat, rat-a-tat_. Lily barely heard it. Her reflection stared back at her, wide-eyed, in the glass, and as put-together and familiar as the creature in the mirror was, she suddenly found it despicable.

He knew. It was obvious he knew. He'd been waiting for her outside the bathroom. He'd said, "You're beautiful."

She closed her eyes.

It always came down to how other people saw her. It always came down to whether or not she was _good_ enough, and no one had ever demanded more from her than James Potter.

_She ducked her head, but he caught her chin and lifted it- her face was still flush._

"_Lily… you're kidding me." His voice was incredulous._

"Evans- you're kidding me," Black was saying. He looked at the mirror too, seemingly uninterested in what he saw there. "Are you going to hide from him from the rest of your life?"

She turned away from the reflection, her hands in her pockets to occult their trembling. "Great. I have two blokes stalking me." She tried to laugh it off. "I should change my password."

"Hey," Black said, leaning in the doorway. He looked uncomfortable- this was new to him. "I meant what I said, you know. About not letting me affect your decision."

Lily didn't speak.

"Evans, you're nice," he added tentatively, "and _amazingly_ attractive- but it was just sex…"

"That's not even what's stopping me," she said quietly, letting out a shuddering breath. "You wouldn't understand."

He nodded. "I know."

"Can you go now?" she asked, her voice thin.

He nodded again, but she saw the doubt on his face and hated it.

"_I'm worried about you."_

"_Stop it."_

_His voice grew more insistent. "I can't just stand by and watch you do this."_

"Stop_ it, James."_

It was a few minutes before Lily couldn't tolerate the silence anymore, and regretted sending Black away. But she knew what she had to do, and she knew exactly where she would find someone to fill the emptiness in her ears…

The castle was quiet, and she remembered bitterly that there had been a Quidditch match that night. Everybody was probably in their respective common rooms-

And her suspicion was verified, once she climbed through the portrait hole. Apparently Gryffindor had won. The place was jam-packed and noisy as hell- people didn't even bother to hide their sloshing cups of smuggled butterbeer, just grinned at her as she pushed her way past.

"OI! It's the Head Girl!"

"Hey, Evans! Gryffindor for the Cup, eh?"

"Yes, it's great," she mumbled, not bothering to force a smile. Her eyes scanned the room for one person:

And she found him, standing in the midst of the chaos, laughing and cheering people all around him; he was smiling obligingly, distracted, as his friends talked excitedly. Someone offered him a red plastic cup, but he shook his head, and then turned, and his eyes met hers.

James didn't move. He stayed there, watching her pick her way across the crowded room- waiting, letting her make the move, because it was all a power play. Except now _he_ was the center of attention, and _she_ was the one trying to reach him.

Time always had its little ironies.

As she came within earshot he turned to his friends and said, "Give me a minute, alright?"

"Hey," she said tentatively, nervously combing her fingers through her hair. She looked at his dark, hazel eyes and immediately regretted it- her heart was pounding like a jackrabbit's. "I need to talk to you later."

"Let's go outside where it's quieter," James answered, his voice as uncertain as hers. He began to move toward the door, and she protested:

"No, you should stay for the party. It can wait."

The boy gave her a sidelong glance. "You're more important," he said, very softly.

Lily's breath caught. "Please don't… say things like that."

"Our disagreement on points like that," he answered, "is why we need to talk."

She didn't argue further.

They made their way toward the portrait hole- he went first, and his gaze remained, unwavering, on her as she followed. The air was heavy and silent outside, curbed only by the muffled rabble from the other side.

He was the one to break the silence. "Why are you here, Lily?" he asked. His tone was a little more confident now.

It was a long time before she could answer. "You know why," she tried to say.

"I want to hear it from you."

"Don't push me again, James," she said. "I can't- you know-"

"_Don't push me, James." Lily was near tears, a rare sight and a painful one, at that. She could barely fathom what she must look like to him, completely dismantled, not the perfect girl he was used to at all- it sickened her. "I can't take this right now."_

_But he didn't let up. How could she have expected any less from him? "I was made to push you, Lily Evans," he asserted carelessly, taking no heed of her tears. "If you won't let me help -"_

"_You're making it worse!" she pleaded. "You're- every time I'm with you I'm watching myself to make sure I don't mess up. There's nothing _wrong_ with me-"_

"_You call that nothing?"_

"Lily," he was saying. "You know I'm here for you. You know that."

"I'm trying to believe you," she said, voice quavering even as James entwined his fingers with hers. Her eyes remained downcast, focused on this simple connection and not really knowing what it meant at all.

But his words were strong, almost vindictive. "I love you."

Just like that. With no real explanation at all. The girl almost laughed- weren't the romance novels all wrong? This wasn't beautiful, it was just… unhappy.

But unhappiness has a way of forcing us to make sacrifices, and to do things we wouldn't be strong enough to do otherwise. It was the same for Lily.

She said: "It's… back."

Immediately the lines of James's figure changed- they slumped dramatically, the tension gone and replaced with exhausted remorse. He drew his hands away, drew his gaze away- raking a hand through his hair and saying, "God, Lily…"

"_You can't blame me for this," he was arguing. His face was as flushed as hers now, but unlike it in the sense that it made him look more alive, more energized. _She_ was the opposite- tired, pale, thin._

_But she was tired of it- tired of his accusations, tired of his persistence, tired of his lying. She wasn't worth anything to him- she just wished he would come out and say it._

"_Lily," he began to continue, but she cut him off._

"_Sod _off_, James! I don't want to talk about it-"_

_He was seething. "No! You can't _blame _me for this when I'm only trying to- "_

"_God_ damnit_, James, are you ever going to think?"_

"_Lily."_

"_Don't just stand there and 'Lily' me, you dolt!" Her breath came out in angry, ragged pants now. "I'm so sick of being judged by you. When are you ever going to own up to the stupid things you've done and accept the consequences!?"_

_His face was emotionless and his tone was flatly amused. "You first, darling."_

"I should've realized earlier," James was saying. He was shaking. "I knew, today, when I followed you to the bathroom- but it shouldn't have had to take that, I should've known just by the way you were acting…"

Her eyelashes were wet with tears. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I couldn't tell you."

_Do I respect you too much?_

_Is that it?_

"This will work," he was whispering back. There was still a distance between them- physically- but they had never been so close in their lives. "You can get help- on your own terms. And I-"

She hiccupped and shook her head. "You don't want that."

"Yes, I _do_," he said, but he still didn't move. "I'm sick of pretending we barely know each other. Maybe you could detach yourself, but I never could-"

_Is _love_ not enough? Do you need more?_

_What have I done wrong?_

Lily was crying freely now, the tears streaming down her cheeks. It was this that provoked James to move, brushing the salty drops away… and he just held her there, for a moment, as she pressed her face into his shoulder and sobbed, and he put his arms around her thin frame, and he inhaled deeply.

"I love you," he said again, and there was a muffled reply that might've been the same.

_Why do you hate your reflection?_

_Look into my eyes-_

_What do you see?_

_Is it really judgment?_

_

* * *

_

**Author's Note:** And there you have it.

This chapter was so difficult to write. There were a lot of directions I could've taken it, and I hope this was the right choice.

If you've read and reviewed up until now, thank you. If you've read but not reviewed, please consider doing so for this chapter... I don't think I have to say how important feedback is to me. :) I really enjoyed writing this, you guys. I hope you enjoyed reading it.


	7. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

"_Is it really judgment?"_

_Her voice sounded as tired as she felt. "It is, James..."_

_His eyes were desperate. "I don't judge you. I want you no matter what, Lily- but I can't have you if you starve yourself to death…"_

_That was the last thing he said before she shut him out._

_It was her worst moment._

--

The air was humid and the sky was golden on that one Saturday afternoon. The atmosphere was filled with laughing and shouting and splashing- water lapped at the bare feet of girls lounging on the lake edge; boys ran past, pulling off cartwheels and shooting sparks into the air with their wands to show off.

Underneath a certain beech tree, James Potter pulled Lily Evans a little closer to him, his hand comfortably on her waist. He leaned over and said in her ear, "Seems like just yesterday that was us."

She snorted and put her hand on his chest. "You're not that old, Potter. But you _are_ full of yourself."

"Back to a last name basis now, are we?" He wiggled his eyebrows, provoking a laugh. "Well, Evans…"

She giggled uncharacteristically as he leaned in for a kiss; behind them their friends made noises of disgust. Black began to mimic vomiting.

"Ha ha, very funny," Lily shot back to him. "Why are you even here if you can't tolerate us?"

"I think he's just not used to it," Lupin interjected. His shoulders were shaking with laughter- something that pleased Lily. It hadn't been awkward between them for a while now. "Seeing you two together again just makes this place a lot happier."

"Too happy for me," Black elaborated, his eyes shining.

James was whispering something to Pettigrew over this conversation, and when Lily cleared her throat the two looked up and grinned guiltily.

"Something I should know about?" she asked with half a smile.

"Peter was just saying how good you look," James told her, squeezing her torso. She stuck out her tongue, but he overcame this with another kiss- slow and gentle. "No, really," he whispered.

She looked up at him from under a fringe of auburn hair. "Thanks," she said.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I hope this clears things up for you! An epilogue was completely unplanned, but what the heck, so was the rest of the story.

Yes, I envision in this story (as I told some of you in review replies) that Lily had a mild eating disorder. Not like, about-to-waste-away-to-nothing eating disorder, but serious enough as to where it interferes with the way she views things, and makes her a lot needier (ergo the Sirius fiasco). And this is what really messed up her relationship with James in the first place.

Review, please? Please? (Especially if you have a question.)


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